What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 11:30
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I said to her
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Put me off passion for life!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do a lot of autistic people not know how to style their hair?
I was scared of men, in general
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
We all went to grammer schools